What to Say (and Not Say) to Build Real Self-Esteem in Kids

If you’ve been reading my articles this month, one thing should be clear: self-esteem isn’t built through praise, perfection, or protecting kids from hard moments.

It’s built through everyday interactions, especially what parents say when things are hard, messy, or emotional.

The language parents use in everyday moments plays a powerful role in building a child’s confidence and self-esteem over time.

The words we use shape how kids see themselves, how they handle frustration, and whether they trust their own abilities.

Why Language Matters More Than We Realize

Parents don’t need perfect scripts.

But patterns of language matter.

Over time, kids internalize the messages they hear most:

• What adults say when they struggle
• What adults say when they fail
• What adults say when emotions run high

Those repeated messages become a child’s inner voice.

And sometimes the difference between escalation and confidence is just one small shift in language.

I remember having a conversation with my sister about this.

Her daughter was starting a new sports program and didn’t know anyone. She was nervous. My sister had been reassuring her over and over that she was going to be fine and not to worry. But it wasn’t working. In fact, things were escalating.

I asked my sister how she feels when she’s walking into something new and doesn’t know what to expect.

She laughed and admitted she gets a little nervous too.

I suggested she try something different. Instead of convincing her daughter not to feel nervous, what if she normalized it? What if she told her it was completely normal to feel nervous, and that she feels that way sometimes too?

That evening, while driving her daughter to the gym, she told her:

“It’s okay to be nervous. That’s completely normal. I’d actually be more concerned if you weren’t nervous at all.”

My niece took that in.

When they got to the gym, she hopped right out and went inside. No fuss. No drama. And she had a great time.

Nothing about the situation changed.
The language did.

Instead of minimizing the feeling, my sister made it safe.

That’s what builds confidence.

What Not to Say, and Why

Many common phrases come from a good place, but they can quietly weaken self-esteem.

“You’re fine.”
This teaches kids to doubt their own experience.

“Don’t worry about it.”
This minimizes feelings instead of helping kids move through them.

“You’re so smart!”
This ties confidence to outcomes instead of effort and growth.

“Let me do it for you.”
This sends the message that struggle isn’t okay.

When we rush to erase discomfort, we accidentally send the message that discomfort is a problem.

What to Say Instead to Build Confidence and Self-Esteem

Confidence grows when language supports capability and emotional safety.

Try phrases like:

“This is hard, and you’re working through it.”
“I can see you’re frustrated. Take your time.”
“What do you think your next step could be?”
“Mistakes happen. We’ll figure it out.”

These statements don’t fix or rush, and they're especially important when kids experience failure.

They communicate trust even when things don't go as expected.

Encouragement Without Evaluation

One of the most powerful shifts parents can make is moving from evaluation to observation.

Instead of:

“Great job!”
“You did it perfectly!”

Try:

“You stuck with that even when it was frustrating.”
“You figured out a different way.”
“I noticed how patient you were.”

This helps kids learn to recognize their own effort and growth instead of waiting for external approval.

Language That Supports Big Feelings

Kids don’t gain confidence by avoiding big emotions.

They gain confidence by learning they can handle them.

Helpful language during emotional moments includes:

“Big feelings are okay.”
“I’m here with you.”
“You don’t have to fix this right now.”
“We’ll talk when things feel calmer.”

This teaches kids that emotions are manageable, not emergencies.

Just like my niece learned that nervousness wasn’t a problem to solve, it was a feeling she could carry with her into something new… And she did.

Confidence Is Built in Small, Everyday Moments

Self-esteem doesn’t come from one big conversation.

It’s built in:

• Homework struggles
• Morning routines
• Sibling conflict
• Bedtime battles
• Public meltdowns

Each moment is an opportunity to send the same message:
You are capable, and you are supported.

The Takeaway, Words Shape Confidence Over Time

You don’t need perfect words.

You need consistency.

When parents stay calm, trust their child, and choose language that supports effort and emotional growth, confidence builds slowly and steadily.

One phrase at a time.

A Simple Practice to Close the Series

This week, choose one phrase you want to practice.

Write it down.

Repeat it.

Use it imperfectly.

Because confidence, for both kids and parents, grows through repetition, not perfection.

A Final Word

In full transparency, I had to learn how to do this myself.

I was not a confident parent early on. I made a lot of mistakes, and I could see how my own reactivity and self-doubt affected one of my child’s self-esteem.

That realization was hard. And honestly, heartbreaking.

But it also became a turning point.

I learned that if I wanted to help my child build confidence, I had to start with myself. I did the work to become calmer, more grounded, and less reactive. And once I began leading from that place, I could go back and intentionally support my child in rebuilding their self-esteem.

That experience is why I teach these concepts, and why I’m so passionate about sharing them.

Because confidence can be built.

And it’s never too late to start.

If you’d like support unpacking this and figuring out what confident parenting could look like for your family, I offer free, no-pressure calls for parents. It’s simply a space to talk, reflect, and decide what support might feel helpful. Click here to schedule a call.