The Parenting Habits Your Child Is Learning From You (and How to Reset This Year)

Every January, I feel the pull to reset.  I want to get more organized. Clean out closets. Simplify schedules. Clear the clutter that somehow built up without my permission.

But one year, the reset I needed had nothing to do with bins or calendars.

It started with my daughter.

I was listening to her interact with her friends and noticed how often she was yelling. Not playful yelling. Not excitement. But frustration. Sharp loud voice. Big reactions.

My first instinct was to correct her behavior.

And then it hit me.

That was me.

Not all the time. Not intentionally. But often enough that it had become familiar. Normal. Automatic.

That moment was a wake-up call.

Kids Learn More From What They See Than What We Say

So much of our kids’ behavior isn’t something we explicitly teach. It’s something they catch.

They watch how we respond when we’re overwhelmed.
They notice how we speak when we’re frustrated.
They absorb how we handle conflict, mistakes, stress, and disappointment.

Kids don’t learn emotional regulation from lectures.
They learn it from lived experience.

Which means that when we’re stressed, dysregulated, or reactive, they’re learning something… whether we intend to teach it or not.

A Different Kind of New Year Reset

The start of a new year often comes with familiar goals:

• Get more organized
• Clean out clutter
• Create systems that make life feel calmer

January feels like a chance to start fresh.

But alongside organizing our homes and schedules, there’s another area worth gently cleaning out too: our parenting habits.

Because just like clutter, certain reactions and patterns build up quietly over time. And our kids are absorbing all of it.

So instead of asking, “How do I get my child to behave differently?”
Try asking: “What is my child learning from the way I show up?”

A Simple Reflection Exercise

This isn’t about blame or fixing everything at once. It’s about awareness.  Think about a behavior your child has been showing lately that feels challenging:

• Yelling
• Talking back
• Shutting down
• Impulsivity
• Big emotional reactions

Now ask yourself:

• When do I show this same behavior in my own way?
• How do I sound when I’m overwhelmed?
• What does my child see when things don’t go as I expected?

This isn’t about perfection.
It’s about information.

Parenting Habits Worth Gently Noticing

As I coach parents, I often encourage reflection around things like:

• How often am I yelling or using a sharp tone?
• How do I speak to my parenting partner in front of my child?
• How do I handle my own mistakes?
• What happens when I’m overwhelmed?
• How present am I when my child is talking?
• How do I handle conflict and repair?
• How consistent am I with boundaries?
• How do I talk about other people when my child is listening?

None of these require fixing overnight.
They just require noticing.

Small Shifts, Not a Total Overhaul

Real change doesn’t come from trying to do everything at once… 
It comes from small shifts:

• Lowering your voice more often than not
• Pausing before reacting
• Repairing when you mess up
• Modeling the skills you want your child to learn

When kids see us practicing these skills, they don’t just hear the message, they catch it.

And one of the most important things they catch from us is how we handle moments when things don’t go as planned.

That’s where the difference between reacting and responding comes in, and it’s a distinction that can change everything.

If you’re local to Northern MA and want to learn some new skills for the new year and get expert help on your biggest parenting challenge, join me for a Parenting Workshop on Wednesday, January 14th at Be Well with SEL in North Andover, MA.  Click here for more information and to register.