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The Hidden Cost of Caring About What Other People Think of Your Parenting

Feb 22, 2026
Calm parent crouching to comfort an upset young child in a grocery store, modeling emotional safety and confidence

Many parents worry about their child’s confidence and self-esteem.

But fewer parents stop to consider how their own confidence shows up in everyday parenting moments, especially when they feel watched, judged, or evaluated.

Because whether we realize it or not, kids are constantly observing how we handle pressure, disagreement, and other people’s opinions.

And they learn who to trust, themselves or everyone else, by watching us.

Kids Learn Confidence by Watching Their Parents

Parents don’t have to say, “Care what people think.”
Kids learn that lesson by observation.

When parents:

  • Second-guess themselves out loud
  • Over-explain decisions
  • Apologize unnecessarily
  • Change boundaries to avoid judgment

Kids absorb a powerful message:

Other people’s opinions matter more than your own.

Over time, that message quietly erodes self-trust, the foundation of confidence and healthy self-esteem.

This Is Something I Had to Learn the Hard Way

Early in my own parenting journey, I didn’t realize how often I was parenting based on what I thought other people expected.

I second-guessed myself constantly.
I explained my choices too much.
I worried about how things looked, especially when my kids were struggling or having big reactions which was often.

From the outside, it probably looked like I was being thoughtful and considerate.

But what I didn’t see at the time was the message my kids were receiving:

I trusted other people’s opinions more than I trusted my own, or theirs.

And if I didn’t trust myself, how could they learn to trust themselves?

Approval-Based Parenting Creates Self-Doubt in Kids

Many parents fall into approval-based parenting without even realizing it.

They worry about:

  • What other parents think
  • How their child’s behavior looks in public
  • Whether they’re doing things “right”

So they adjust, soften, or explain not based on their values, but based on perceived expectations.

Kids pick up on this quickly.

And when parents lead from self-doubt, kids learn to do the same.
I saw this first hand and it was heartbreaking.

When Feeling Judged Pushes Parents Into Command-and-Demand Parenting

When parents feel judged, especially in public or emotionally charged moments, it’s very easy to slip into command-and-demand parenting.

Not because parents believe it works, but because they feel exposed.

One parent said to me recently,

“I’m just tired of being the show.”

That feeling of eyes on you, of being evaluated in real time… often triggers urgency.

Parents move quickly, raise their voice, issue commands, or threaten consequences in an attempt to regain control of the situation.

The problem is, command-and-demand parenting rarely calms things down.
It tends to escalate emotions, increase resistance, and leave everyone feeling worse.

And kids don’t experience that urgency as leadership, they experience it as pressure.

Confident Parenting Isn’t Loud or Perfect

Confident parenting doesn’t mean having all the answers or never feeling unsure.

It means:

  • Making decisions based on your values
  • Holding boundaries without over-explaining
  • Staying grounded even when others disagree

As I became more comfortable trusting myself, something interesting happened.

My kids didn’t become more defiant.
They became more settled.

Because confidence is contagious.

When parents lead with steadiness instead of urgency, kids feel safer… even when they’re upset.

Modeling Self-Trust Builds Self-Esteem in Kids

Children build self-esteem when they watch their parents:

  • Stay calm under pressure
  • Hold boundaries with confidence
  • Recover from mistakes without shame
  • Care less about approval and more about connection

This doesn’t mean ignoring feedback or refusing support.

It means filtering outside input through your own values, instead of letting it run the show.

What Confident Parenting Can Look Like in Everyday Life

Confident parenting often sounds like:

 

  • “This works for our family.”
  • “I’ve got this.”
  • “We’re okay with our choice.”
  • “I know everybody else is going and you’re disappointed you can’t go with your friends. I wish I could say yes, but I’m not comfortable with it as your parent and I have to feel that I’m being the best parent I can be. That means saying no and I’m sorry.”

 

It looks like fewer explanations and more steadiness.

And that steadiness gives kids something powerful:

A sense that their world is led by someone who trusts themselves.

A Gentle Challenge for This Week

Notice one moment this week when you feel pulled by someone else’s opinion.

Pause.

Ask yourself:
What do I believe is best for my child right now?

Then lead from that place.

Because the more you trust yourself, the more your child learns to trust themselves too.

Looking Ahead

Next week, we’ll wrap up this series by getting practical and looking at exactly what to say (and what not to say) and how small shifts in everyday language can either strengthen or weaken a child’s self-esteem over time.

Finally, if you recognized yourself in this article, be gentle with yourself.  Most parents were never taught how to trust themselves under pressure, especially when it feels like everyone is watching.

If you’d like support unpacking this and figuring out what confident parenting could look like for your family, I offer free, no-pressure calls for parents. It’s simply a space to talk, reflect, and decide what support might feel helpful. Click here to schedule a call.

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