How to Set Loving Holiday Boundaries with Relatives (Without the Guilt)

For many parents, the hardest part of the holidays isn’t the travel, the sugar, or even the meltdowns.  It’s the relatives.

I hear it from parents every year:  “I’m not stressed about my kids… I’m stressed about what everyone else will think about my kids.”

And you’re not alone.   The holidays come with a perfect storm of:

• old family dynamics
• pressure to keep everyone happy
• unsolicited advice
• overstimulated kids
• comments about behavior
• comparisons to cousins
• and the feeling of being watched and judged

It’s no wonder so many parents struggle to hold boundaries around their kids’ needs this time of year.

But here’s the truth: Setting boundaries with relatives is one of the most loving things you can do, for your kids and for yourself.

And it doesn’t have to be rude, aggressive, or uncomfortable.
It can be calm, clear, and grounded.

Let’s walk through how to do it.

Why Setting Boundaries With Relatives Is Hard

If this feels difficult for you, nothing is wrong.
There are real reasons this brings up anxiety for parents:

1. You don’t want to upset anyone.

You were likely raised to be polite, agreeable, and respectful. Advocating for yourself or your child may feel uncomfortable or “disrespectful,” even when it’s necessary.

2. Old family roles resurface.

As soon as you walk through the door, you can get pulled back into who you used to be, not who you are now as a parent.

3. You worry people will judge your parenting.

Especially if your child has big feelings, sensory needs, or struggles with transitions.

4. Some relatives believe they know best.

And they’re not shy about sharing it.
This is all normal, and also why boundaries are essential.

Your Child’s Needs Come First (Not Their Opinions)

Here’s a powerful reframe:

Your job is not to manage your relatives’ feelings.
Your job is to protect your child’s emotional safety.

There will be moments when your child needs you to step in:

• They don’t want hugs or physical affection
• They’re overwhelmed or overstimulated
• They need quiet time
• A relative comments about their behavior or personality
• Someone compares them to other children
• A relative disciplines them in a way you don’t allow
• Someone dismisses their feelings (“You’re too sensitive,” “Stop crying”)

Your child cannot advocate for themselves in these moments.
But you can.

And doing so strengthens the trust and connection between you.

Set Expectations Before the Gathering

This step prevents 90% of holiday stress.

A simple message ahead of time can eliminate confusion and soften pushback.

You can say something like:

“Just a heads-up, we’re letting the kids decide about hugs this year. Feel free to offer a high-five or a wave!”

“We might step out for breaks so the kids can reset. Nothing’s wrong, just giving them space.”

“We’re limiting sugar so they don’t crash later. Thanks for helping us stick to it.”

“We leave at 7:30 no matter what, so we’ll start goodbyes a little early.”

Setting expectations early prevents surprises, arguments, and awkward in-the-moment corrections.

You can also do it gently as you arrive:

“We’re keeping transitions low-key today, so if you see us step away, that’s why.”

Short, simple, and clear.

How to Hold Boundaries When Relatives Push Back

Relatives will sometimes test limits, just like kids do.

Having a few prepared scripts keeps you calm and centered.

For unwanted hugs:

“We’re letting the kids choose. A high-five works too!”

For comments about behavior:

“He’s still learning.  We’ve got it handled.”

When someone steps in to discipline your child:

“Thanks. I’ll take it from here.”

Unsolicited parenting advice:

“That’s an interesting idea. This is what is working best for our family.”

Shaming comments (“Don’t be a baby”):

“We don’t talk to them like that. Please stop.”

When you need to leave or take a break:

“We’re taking a quick reset so the kids don’t get overwhelmed. We’ll be back in a few minutes.”

All of these are said with warmth, calm, and confidence… not defensiveness.

This is loving leadership.

Internal Boundaries: Protecting Your Calm

External boundaries are important, but internal boundaries are what keep you grounded.

Here are a few to keep in your back pocket:

• You don’t have to explain your parenting choices.
• You don’t have to justify your child’s behavior.
• You don’t have to absorb someone else's disappointment.
• Their reactions are about them, not you.
• You’re allowed to parent in a way that aligns with your values, even if others disagree.

Keep repeating to yourself:

“I am the parent. I know what my child needs.”

This helps you stay aligned with the parent you want to be, instead of slipping into old patterns.

Make a Plan With Your Partner (or a Solo Plan if Needed)

Talk ahead of time about:

• Your non-negotiables
• How long you plan to stay
• What you’ll do if your child becomes dysregulated
• What boundaries you’ll hold
• How you’ll support each other if relatives give pushback

Having a plan reduces stress and conflict for the adults, too.

You’re Not Being Difficult. You’re Being a Leader

Setting boundaries with relatives isn’t rude.
It isn’t disrespectful.
And it isn’t overreacting.

It’s loving leadership.

You are showing your child:

• that their feelings matter
• that their boundaries matter
• that their needs matter
• that they have someone who will protect them

And you’re modeling what healthy, confident boundary-setting looks like… something many of us never saw growing up.

This is how you break patterns and create a new emotional legacy for your family.

✨ Want help staying calm and confident as you navigate relatives, routines, and big emotions this holiday season?

The holidays can bring out more overstimulation, more pushback, and more pressure, not just for kids, but for parents too. And when you’re trying to hold boundaries with relatives and support an overwhelmed child, it can feel like a lot.

That’s why I created the Calm Parent’s Holiday Survival Guide, a free, practical resource to help you:

• stay grounded during chaotic gatherings
• support kids through big holiday emotions
• set loving boundaries (with kids and adults)
• handle overstimulation and sugar crashes
• plan ahead so everyone feels more regulated and connected

It’s everything you need to make this season feel lighter and calmer.

👉 Download your free guide here:
melpeirce.com/holidaysurvivalguide

Give yourself the support you deserve, and make this holiday season calmer, sweeter, and more connected for your whole family.